B.B

Although The Boys Brigade in Malaysia is a ministry I involve since young, there were no recorded posting about it in my blog ever before. Therefore, I think it’s about time that I write about it. The timing, somehow felt like a mix feeling – right and wrong at the same time.
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I’m with the Boys Brigade (BB) in Malaysia, holding the rank of Warrant Officer. Climb up the ladder of rank and file from an innocent recruit to the highest rank of Staff Sergeant. After reaching the maximum age as a member, the Officer council decided to promote me to the rank of Warrant Officer until now. I was in the BB since I was in standard 3. I was 9 years old then. Now I’m already 24 years old.
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15 years is a long time. Now here comes the bomb:
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I’m sick of it. I’m freaking tired. Whenever somebody came to me and talked to me about BB, I felt this uncertainty, this burden, this feeling of trouble and this annoying headache which later leads to confusion and anger. There are times when I thought to myself why I’m doing this.
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It was not like this all the time. There was a sense of direction at first, at least personally. But seriously, serving for 10 years, at my age, in my environment, in such globalize and fast moving world. My joy of serving had now vanished. I’ve lost it. Maybe what I’m trying to say here is that there are too many things happening – too many disappointments. And it somehow constantly repeating itself annually. 10 years of endurance is too much I guess.
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When I got my acceptance to do my Master in UKM, I was very glad actually. Despite all my complains about the new place I’m studying and living, I’m actually quite happy. I like it here. I never thought going into an “exile” felt that way.(which one of my church member who prayed for me mention that my ‘going away’ to study in UKM is like going into exile and when return, will return with wisdom).
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So, the other day, I bump into one of my BB member. We talked, and he tells me about the internal problems and the future plans of our company*. He also mention about how he wished that I would be back soon to be involve again in the company and how I can greatly contribute to the company. He also said how the company needs people like me. I felt ashamed and disappointed – I felt that he shouldn’t say things like that to me. I know his intention was to encourage me. But it didn’t. It scares the crap out of me.
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The timing was right because I got time to think and finally got my words right to write about it. While for the wrong timing – well, it just never felt right to rant my dissatisfaction to which anytime at all about such matter. It basically sums up the reason why I don’t write or talk about BB in the cyber space or in my personal space even though it revolves around my life. It felt somehow as if I’m relieving myself from BB, to put it more bluntly – escaping from BB. Yes, it is a form of escapism.
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This is Andrew’s soul vomiting. Finally.
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*”company” refers to the subdivision of a battalion. Boys’ Brigade uses such framework to group its member around Malaysia.